sometimes..

i think in song lyrics.
really really cheesy song lyrics.
it comes out, and it's kind of embarrassing.

one beat.

my insides don't match up with my outsides.
sometimes i feel too much.

i carved your name into my eye lids.

fuck.
how could one person make me so nervous, so scared, so foolish, so happy, so afraid, all at once. there was coke, and i was really scared. this isn't the party i expected, gay orgies in the showers - and cocaine. i mean, i figured there'd be drugs and gays, i mean i knew. still, something about the coke.. seeing them snort it, and lick it off their fingers. the way they craved it, needed it.
kind of like i need you.
our walk was short, our conversation shorter. i cried. i cried a lot. you tried to make me stop, but it made me feel worse. i told you i loved you. you said we're friends, and then you made a promise. and i made you swear.
thats when i forgot everything i wanted to say, my questions left unanswered.
i wish i didn't drink, i don't drink. it's not how i wanted you to remember me.
i kissed you. i didn't mean to, fuck it - i meant to. i really did. i kissed your neck, your cheek, your lips. our tongues held hands, and your hair felt perfect in my hands.
you told me to get over you, you told me. your over me. you didn't say, but i think you tried. my head was spinning.
spinning.
spiraling.
falling.
blacking out.
i was so nervous.
you took my hand, and led me behind some building.
i wanted you then more than i ever have before.
but then you had to leave, and you told me not to tell.. you told me not to tell anyone. i don't understand why, and i think it broke my heart a little bit. not more than you leaving.. and pretending nothing happened.
if you still want me, please forgive me. i'm leaving in a week, and you don't have the time. not an hour for me.
i'm sorry.
i love you.
i guess this is really goodbye.

please keep your promise.

you seemed so simple, sure and sad.

i waited for your words to come, but they slept soundly in your chest.
so we laid silently and still, entwined in each others never ending arms and legs, the smell of smoke and sweat and beer still thick in your sweater from a night out.
tangled hair, and smudged make up. your hands are everywehere.
everywhere.
the back of my neck, the slow curve of my hip, my collar bones, and the dip of my spine. then i watched your fingers sneak toward mine. you sucked my lip, and bit my wrist. you tucked my hair behind my ears, and you kiss like love's a tourist in your heart babe. i was so afraid to go to sleep, afraid that i would wake up and you wouldn't be holding me, afraid that you'd be gone.
no one has ever hugged me as tight, or kissed me as deep.
i'm making things up, over reacting.

i get too attached to people - i think.
it passes after a little while, or a long while. depends i suppose.
but until it does my heart aches, and my head rewinds all of my memories.
high definition, with playback.
i live in the past, my memories consume my thoughts.
sometimes i wish i could go back in time, and sometimes i wish i could just make it stop entirely. that would be nice. to stop time for ever, and ever. and ever.
one moment, frozen, so that nothing ever changes.
its night, we're on the floor - it's not comfortable, but we don't mind, we're entwined in each others arms and legs, and tangled hair.
the smell of smoke still thick in your sweater.
i'm a little sad always, i think.