i carved your name into my eye lids.

fuck.
how could one person make me so nervous, so scared, so foolish, so happy, so afraid, all at once. there was coke, and i was really scared. this isn't the party i expected, gay orgies in the showers - and cocaine. i mean, i figured there'd be drugs and gays, i mean i knew. still, something about the coke.. seeing them snort it, and lick it off their fingers. the way they craved it, needed it.
kind of like i need you.
our walk was short, our conversation shorter. i cried. i cried a lot. you tried to make me stop, but it made me feel worse. i told you i loved you. you said we're friends, and then you made a promise. and i made you swear.
thats when i forgot everything i wanted to say, my questions left unanswered.
i wish i didn't drink, i don't drink. it's not how i wanted you to remember me.
i kissed you. i didn't mean to, fuck it - i meant to. i really did. i kissed your neck, your cheek, your lips. our tongues held hands, and your hair felt perfect in my hands.
you told me to get over you, you told me. your over me. you didn't say, but i think you tried. my head was spinning.
spinning.
spiraling.
falling.
blacking out.
i was so nervous.
you took my hand, and led me behind some building.
i wanted you then more than i ever have before.
but then you had to leave, and you told me not to tell.. you told me not to tell anyone. i don't understand why, and i think it broke my heart a little bit. not more than you leaving.. and pretending nothing happened.
if you still want me, please forgive me. i'm leaving in a week, and you don't have the time. not an hour for me.
i'm sorry.
i love you.
i guess this is really goodbye.

please keep your promise.